Abuse isn’t drama; let’s stop treating it as such

May 10

Healing is the Best Revenge is a one-person production, created and sponsored by yours truly. In addition to making this podcast, I also make zines about healing, trauma recovery, friendship, disability, and affirmations, as well as cute stickers, colorful prints, and supportive survivor self-love care packages.

If you love this show, you’ll also love my zine, “Healing is the Best Revenge #3” which is a colorful, cute, and uplifting personal zine about healing from trauma, radical vulnerability, writing your own affirmations, survivor solidarity, and reflections from my own healing journey. Click the link in the show notes or go to [karinahagelin.etsy.com](http://karinahagelin.etsy.com) to check it out. Now, onto today’s episode.

Hi babe, Karina here. I had a rough night; just really vivid fucking nightmares, as usual. And/also it’s a beautiful day here; the sun is out and there are blue skies and a smattering of puffy white clouds. It’s really warm, like in the seventies, so I’m currently out out on the catio with all three of my rescue kitties, Cashew, Boo, and Chickpea.

But to be honest, things have been really difficult lately. I had some majorly messed up complications from my tonsillectomy, which was over a month ago, and am still in the process of trying to recover from all of it. My CPTSD has also been worse than usual, like way worse. I had to start Xanax again because getting through each day, each hour, sometimes each moment, feels so impossible.

So basically, I’m doing my best to start working through the past 8+ years of ongoing stalking, abuse, and harassment. The fear and shame has been poisonous, keeping me silenced and isolated and scared. I don’t feel well-supported in coping with this and/also I can’t heal from trauma that I’m still experiencing and trying to survive but I need to do something about it before it kills me. I’m tired of feeling frozen, powerless, and helpless.

So, I’m really proud of myself for sending some emails to beloved friends and comrades and my trauma therapist yesterday, asking for their support in safety planning and fighting back. I want to tell you that if you’ve ever done something difficult like this, I’m proud of you too. It’s not for the faint of heart; it takes an incredible amount of bravery, vulnerability, and strength.

Today, I want to talk about drama in the context of survivorship, specifically some phrases from our cultural lexicon, like “no drama,” “I don’t do drama,” “starting drama,” “being dramatic,” and so on. Let’s dive right in.

These phrases are all big red flags for me. When people say that they “don’t do drama” what they often mean is that they “don’t do conflict” which to be frank, is really concerning. Conflict is an inevitable part of being in this world alongside and with one another in community. Conflict can be healthy, generative, and productive. And/also, conflict can be unproductive, abusive, and traumatic, another thing that might be weaponized against us by our abusers.

When I hear language like this, I feel curious about:

Whose conflicts are called “drama”?
What are these conflicts about?
Who is involved in these conflicts and what is their relationship to power and privilege?
and finally; who is seen as instigating the conflict or “starting drama”?

And let me tell you, it’s often survivors. It’s often people who have been abused, betrayed, violated, harmed, and traumatized. Yet in this specific context, in the context of abuse, the person who was abusive is responsible for creating conflict - yet they are rarely seen as the person who is “starting drama”. I also want to state that abuse isn’t “drama.” Naming it as such is dismissive, misleading, and harmful. It’s another way in which people try to blame survivors: because we’re just crazy vengeful bitches, right?

Survivors are the ones called “dramatic.” We’re told we’re overreacting, that we’re too sensitive, that we’re manipulative. We’re told that we’re seeking attention, crazy, insane, psycho, and making it up or “starting drama”. However survivors react to the abuse we’ve endured, it’s seen as “too much”. Our emotions are understandable and anything but excessive; survivors often censor ourselves out of fear and shame or are silenced through intimidation and violence.

We hold things in, push it down, and dissociate through our days to keep going. The semi-public responses people do witness are, if anything, an under-reaction to the abuse we’ve experienced. What they see, if anything, is only a fraction of what we’ve been and are going through.

Our communities often try to keep it that way; we’re isolated, excluded from, and pushed out of our communities, whether it’s because people don’t want to choose a side, which as we know is a cowardly way of choosing our abusers’ side; by remaining friends with the person who abused us; or saying bullshit like we made it up. It’s all just so fucked up.

People don’t want to believe survivors. Nothing we can say or do will convince them we’re worthy of care, support, and resources we need to survive, nonetheless heal and thrive. Nothing will make them have an ounce of compassion for the unimaginable violence we’ve been forced to survive.

To speak from my own experiences, I have endless screenshots documenting a fraction of the stalking, abuse, and harassment that began in the aftermath of my assault and yet, institutions and organizations and communities, all of which are composed of individuals who are making decisions that have the potential to be retraumatizing or healing, choose to retraumatize us. It’s cowardly and/also a deliberate choice.

Personally, I’ve had institutions like the Association of College and Research Libraries, both the national organization and the New York state chapter, do shit like this. I’ve had folks in zine communities, like the organizers of Massachusetts Feminist Zine Fest and Wasted Ink Distro, do shit like this. And I’ve had people I cared about and for, trusted, and called friends do shit like this. At least with former friends, a few of them have apologized and/also, their apologies didn’t do shit to help me heal from how their choices compounded the trauma. In some cases, like with an ex friend who is all about anti-cancel culture, I’ve asked what they’re doing about the serious, intense, and lasting harm they caused me, like, how are you planning on making amends?

They never responded. That was over four years ago.

I refuse to be ashamed of talking about the trauma I’ve experienced. I refuse to accept the blame so many people want me to accept. I refuse to apologize for things I haven’t done. I’m not interested in being a “good survivor” because perfectionism doesn’t protect any of us; it’s a distraction to prevent us from building real solidarity. And most, if not all of us, aren’t “good survivors” anyways. That shame, that blame, that responsibility, that belongs to our abusers and the people who have betrayed us at our most vulnerable; not to me and not to you.

I want more of us to talk about this, to refuse the shame forced upon us, to stop feeling so scared because there is power in community, true community, and in solidarity as a collective of survivors that believes, supports, and shows up for one another. I’m willing to take that risk and start talking about it.

To return to the idea of “starting drama”: People talk about it as “drama” because to them it is. Our pain & suffering is literally entertainment to them. They can turn off the TV, stop scrolling, look away, whenever they want to. We don’t get that choice. We don’t get that luxury. We live with it. Often, we die with it. It’s fucked up beyond words.

And that’s all I’ve got for you today, dear one. I’m planning some episodes on DARVO and the idea of the good/bad survivor dichotomy coming up in the next few weeks. If there’s something you’d like to hear me talk about, shoot me an email at hello at karinahagelin.com or a DM over at @femmesupremacy on Instagram.

If you’d like to support my work, you can head to karinahagelin.etsy.com or simply click the shop link in the show notes. Most orders ship free or if it’s a really thick zine, for just a dollar or two. There are also so many ways you can support artists, creatives, and small businesses you love for free.

I want ask for your help in getting this podcast to more folks who need it. Here are a few simple, easy, and free ways to support this show: