idolization is the antithesis of community
idolization is the antithesis of community
i feel really uncomfortable when i see folks i’m in community with being idolized; i know how incredibly dehumanizing it feels to be idolized & trapped on a pedestal you never asked for.
when you’re put on a pedestal, the only place to go is down. people constantly project their fantasies (& wounds) onto you. & the thing is, you never asked for this. it was done to you without your consent. you are denied the opportunities to fail, to be messy, to grow, to change.
you are held to impossible standards of perfection that guarantee your eventual disposal & exile. because you will always & relentlessly fall short & fuck up & fail the people who once praised you. in their minds, you exist for their consumption.
one specific way i’ve noticed this play out (as well as many other femmes, especially BIPOC femmes) is that we are often asked for labor, without even a “hey, how have you been?”. on instagram, i receive dozens & dozens of DMs from strangers demanding i share their mutual aid post. this is something i’m happy to do; we are interdependent & need each other to survive. but if you treat me like an object & not a person, it doesn’t feel great. it feels transactional & that’s not the type of community i want to create.
it also seems common for people you’re in community with to never try to get to know you in an authentic & caring way that acknowledges you’re a person struggling too yet they will claim to know us when they’ve never taken the time to even try.
idolizing people creates disappointment, anger, frustration, & resentment – because we will never be able to live up to the fantasies of who we are, the unrealistic demands, & the perfectionistic expectations forced upon us.
when people idolize others, they are robbed of the chance to build genuine, authentic, & caring relationships with the folks in their community. parasocial relationships based on idolization aren’t reciprocal but projections, fantasies, & transactions.
when people in community with me idolize me, they are saying that their fantasy of who i am is more important to them than who i actually am which really hurts.
so how can we move away from this dynamic in our communities?
i don’t have all the answers but i do have a few ideas on how to start:
be intentional about why & how we are showing up for each other.
devote ourselves to working on loving ourselves & owning our power.
stop comparing ourselves to others & when we notice ourselves engaging in competition culture, we can be curious about why & what it being brought up for us.
celebrate each other & collaborate. we are interdependent & stronger when we support & care for each other.
support each other in ways that honor our capacity & boundaries so care work is sustainable.
engage in boundary work to strengthen our skills & ability to know what we want (& what we don’t) & be able to clearly communicate that.
