Reflection questions for allies, advocates, and people who support survivors

Healing is the Best Revenge is a podcast for survivors and the folks who love us to discuss healing, life with C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder), survivorship, self + community care, and more. I offer affirmations, pep talks, encouragement, support, and shares about being in the messy murky middle of healing from trauma. This is a transcript of episode 28, “Reflection questions for allies and advocates.”

Healing is the Best Revenge is a one-person production, created and sponsored by yours truly. Have you checked out my shop? I sell zines on topics like healing, trauma recovery, friendship, disability, affirmations, as well as stickers, prints, and pins! If you love this show, you’ll enjoy my zine series, also titled, Healing is the Best Revenge, which is about radical vulnerability, healing from trauma and abuse, affirmations, and self-compassion. Click to link in the show notes or go to karinahagelin.etsy.com. Now, onto today’s episode.

Hi sweet friend! Karina here. I’m finally back after recovering from my tonsillectomy and wow, was that rough. Not only was the surgery brutal and painful to heal from but my throat got infected and I was on antibiotics for 10 days which really helped but then, I started to go downhill again. I went back to my ENT and now I’m finishing up antivirals for a viral infection, possibly shingles. Shingles in my frickin’ mouth, y’all. It’s been really difficult.

While I was gone, I celebrated my 35th birthday, which feels wild, as I never imagined making it this far or for this long, and I went to New York City for NYC Feminist Zine Fest, where I tabled with my friend and comrade, Red. It was so lovely to meet folks, trade zines, build community, make some potential new friends, hear about the impact of my work directly from the folks who support it, and of course, make some money.

After I finished 6+ hours of tabling at the zine fest, I had a meltdown. It was all too much. I was overwhelmed, overstimulated, and really activated from seeing someone at the fest who really harmed me. I’m so grateful I felt safe enough with Red to just cry and let it out and let them sit with me in it. I’m so grateful that Red just sat with me in it and didn’t try to fix things or problem solve because what I needed was really to just feel seen, cared for, and loved.

Today’s episode is an essay from my latest zine, Healing is the Best Revenge #4, that’s about being an effective and supportive ally or advocate or accomplice to survivors. This piece is titled, “I’m Here for You, Unless You Don’t Get Better Immediately: Reflection Questions for Allies.” The title came from my friend Tobi during a conversation about how so many people fail survivors. Anyways, let’s get into it:

After a lot of disappointing and sometimes retraumatizing friendships with so-called allies who say they “support survivors”, I created some reflection questions for allies to address before inserting themselves into survivors lives & support networks:

Who do you support? Which survivors do you support?

Many people say they “support” survivors but what they mean is they “support” survivors who are: palatable, likable or popular, don’t ask for or need support when it’s not convenient, are doormats, who aren’t “too much,” and who often have privilege & social capital.

How do you support survivors?

Is your “support” of survivors literally just a hashtag… when it’s trendy? Does it extend beyond sharing super activating stories about rape culture on social media (without any trigger warnings or content notes BTW)? What do you actually do to show up for and support the survivors in your lives and communities materially, emotionally, and politically? Be as specific as possible as to what your support of survivors consists of.

When do you support survivors - and for how long?

Trauma’s impact is “broad, deep and life-altering” (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration AKA SAMHSA,) especially the impact of complex trauma and CPTSD.

Healing isn’t linear, nor does it occur on a timeline that’s convenient for you as an ally. It sure as hell isn’t convenient for any of the survivors who actually have to live with CPTSD every single day.

As my friend Tobi put it when we were talking about this, some folks are like, “I’m here for you unless you don’t get better immediately.”

When do you support survivors? Do you support survivors only when it’s convenient for you or simple? Do you support survivors when it’s messy, complicated, and hard work? Does your so-called support of survivors hinge on us getting better quickly? Does your so-called support of survivors depend on us getting better, period?

For many of us with CPTSD, it’s a lifelong struggle. Do you plan for your support to be sustainable and ongoing or do you check out when you realize you’re not going to be a hero and “save” or “fix” us?

Why do you support survivors?

Why is supporting survivors important to you? Is it because you have a hero or savior complex? Is it because you see us as broken things to fix? Is it because you pity us? Or is it because you’re invested in our collective healing and liberation? Or because you believe that we deserve the care, support, and resources we need to not just survive but to truly thrive (and are willing be our accomplice and co-conspirator?)

Before I go, I want ask for your help in getting this podcast to more folks who need it.

I’d love it if you could share a screenshot of this podcast to Instagram and tag me in it, subscribe to or follow this show, leave me a five star review or rating, and/or share this show with a loved one. I really want this podcast to reach more people who need it. Thanks for your support!

Okay, sweet friend. As always, I believe you and I’ll talk to you soon. Bye for now!