What "healing is the best revenge" means to me | Healing is the Best Revenge, episode #11 transcript

This is a transcript for episode 11: What “healing is the best revenge” means to me of my podcast, Healing is the Best Revenge.

Hi, I’m Karina Hagelin and this is Healing is the Best Revenge, a podcast for survivors and the folks who love us, to discuss the politics of survivorship, healing, and community care. This is a space where we reject pedestals & perfectionism, instead honoring the messy and complex realities of healing from trauma.

Before we start, a quick reminder that if you love this podcast, please take a moment to rate, review, and subscribe to this show. Your support means the world to me & keeps this podcast going. I really really REALLY appreciate every review and rating y’all leave.

Now, a note from this show’s sponsor: Me! The Survivor Affirmation Deck is available exclusively for preorder until October 31st.

This deck is a beautiful, inspiring, & uplifting collection of 40 vibrant affirmation cards for survivors of abuse and violence who are healing from trauma. Each colorful card features a supportive & loving affirmation for survivors, written by a survivor who gets it, has been there, and IS there. Cards feature a rainbow gradient on the back & come packaged in a lovely pink box.

The Survivor Affirmation Deck is a great gift for loved ones healing from trauma, therapists, mental health workers, folks who work with survivors of violence and abuse, and for yourself and your bestie.

I’ve put my heart and soul into creating this deck and I’m so excited to share it with you. You can find a link to purchase it in the show notes.

Now onto today’s episode!

You may have noticed that I use the phrase healing is the best revenge across several of my creative projects: this podcast, a zine series, etc. Today, I want to talk about what this mantra of mine means to me.

Healing is the best revenge is a mantra I created and have used for about a decade to support my survival and healing process. Early after the assault, I survived out of sheer, stubborn, spite. And that’s okay! Because it kept me going through some really, really, really, tough years and experiences. Of course, it wasn’t sustainable to survive that way, so eventually I had to figure out other strategies for keeping myself alive. I still do use spite and stubbornness to keep me going these days; just not all the time.

So at the time, I wanted revenge. I wanted there to be actual consequences for my rapist. I wanted there to be accountability. I wanted justice, outside of the legal system. But none of those things were accessible or possible. I also didn’t really care about my rapist, like what he was doing or up to or whatever, I just wanted to stop remembering what had happened. I desperately wanted to move on, to forget, to go back to living the life I had.

But I couldn’t. I couldn’t just forget about it or whatever; that’s literally the opposite of CPTSD. Sure, I have dissociative episodes &/also I experience flashbacks on a daily basis and still have nightmares every night. It’s not just a horrible memory; it’s something that feels like it’s happening all over again. The sense of doom and primal fear I feel makes me want to die. But I’m still here. And using this mantra, healing is the best revenge, is part of why I am.

For me, the only revenge I could have, the only sense of justice and repair possible, was working to heal from what happened. And not just surviving. Not even living. But thriving! I wanted to create a life for myself, a life beyond my wildest dreams, and in some ways, I already have. I never imagined the life I have today as a possibility for myself. I live by myself, with my three rescue kitties, in a cute, colorful, and accessible apartment. It took me 8 years but I finished my B.A. in American Studies and certificate in LGBT Studies. And THEN, I went on to graduate with a Masters of Information & Library Sciences and spend my first two years working at an Ivy League university, which to be honest, I don’t really care about that prestige but I know the people who told me I’d never be a “real librarian” do.

This life, my best life, a life where I’m thriving, is my revenge. I can’t forget what happened. It changed me and how my brain works. Like, did you know CPTSD changes your brain chemistry and structure AND that CPTSD is associated with more severe brain changes, even when compared to PTSD? But I’m out here building new neuropathways and learning to thrive, despite all of it. I will never have justice. I will never have accountability. But I have myself and the world I’ve created around me. And some days, that’s enough. That’s more than enough for me.

Okay, that’s all I’ve got for you today but before I go, if you’d like to receive notes on radical self-love, healing, & affirmations, you can find a link to subscribe to my newsletter in the show notes. I’d love to have you on the list!

Until next time, sweet friend. & as always, I believe you.