You don't have to forgive them to heal | Healing is the Best Revenge episode #6 transcript
This is a transcript of episode #6 of my podcast, Healing is the Best Revenge.
Hi, I’m Karina Hagelin and this is Healing is the Best Revenge, a podcast for survivors and the folks who love us, to discuss the politics of survivorship, healing, and community care. This is a space where we reject pedestals & perfectionism, instead honoring the messy and complex realities of healing from trauma.
Before we start, a quick reminder that if you love this podcast, please take a moment to rate, review, subscribe, & to share this show with a friend. Your support means the world to me & keeps this podcast going. I truly appreciate every 5 star rating & positive review.
I want to talk about forgiveness today. Many survivors are pressured to forgive their abusers by folks in our lives. This can feel really activating, understandably so. As survivors, we haven’t been able to make our own choices or practice self-sovereignty, even over our own bodies.
Feeling empowered to make our own decisions is healing &/also an important part of the healing process. Likewise, being pressured & emotionally manipulated into doing something we don’t want to do is actually the complete opposite of a healing choice - because it isn’t a choice at all.
I can’t say this enough times: forgiveness needs to be a choice to be healing; and/also forgiveness isn’t a prerequisite for healing from trauma.
There’s a widely held belief that not forgiving someone is actually holding a grudge against them. I wasn’t even sure what the heck holding a grudge means, so I looked up the definition online. Merriam-Webster defines a grudge as “a feeling of deep-seated resentment or ill will.”
When I searched, “what is a grudge?” some of the related questions people also searched for included:
Is it okay to hold a grudge?
Is holding grudges a toxic trait?
Is it better to forgive or hold a grudge?
It really grosses me the hell out that post-traumatic stress disorder is often conflated and confused with “holding a grudge”.
I hate that not wanting anything to do with abusers is seen as a toxic trait by many folks.
I hate that we’re told things like that we just need to forgive them & if we can’t forgive them, we need to try seeing things from their point of view & empathize with them because maybe their intention wasn’t to hurt us and so on and so on and so on. Or just to let it go.
No! Just no.
I’m an abolitionist &/also I’m not interested in empathizing with rapists. I’m just not.
I won’t forgive my rapist. Because what he did to me is unforgivable.I can’t quantify how he destroyed my life - and I won’t try to. Because folks shouldn’t need to understand what we’ve been through to believe and support us, to act in solidarity with survivors of sexual violence, to honor our choices & respect our healing processes.
If I could let it go, I would. If I could just move on and forget about it or whatever, I would. But I literally can’t. Because complex trauma freezes you in time, trapping you inside a memory you don’t want to remember but can’t forget, can’t escape, can’t stop reliving, like a waking nightmare that never ends.
Whenever I post about forgiveness on Instagram and how it’s not a prerequisite for healing, I receive dozens of comments and messages from survivors thanking me for affirming that you don’t have to forgive your abuser to heal, as well as stories from survivors about friends, family, & mental health providers shaming them for not forgiving their abuser. And that’s not okay. It’s harmful to survivors & our healing.
To the friend or family member looking in & doing your best to be supportive: Shame, blame, & toxic positivity will never feel empowering, supportive, or healing. Instead, try listening with empathy, compassion, & care. Ask what you can do to support us or what would feel supportive in the moment that we’re struggling - and be prepared for the reality that we may not know or that there isn’t anything you can do. Offer your support, not like as this vague concept that we’re supposed to guess at, like what do you mean, I support you?. Support can look so many different ways; don’t make us guess at figuring out what you mean. Tell us how you CAN or WILL support us.
& to you, dear survivor:
Forgiveness may or may not be a part of your healing process and if it isn’t, there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with you.
Your feelings are understandable. You don’t have to forgive to heal.
I believe you.
Okay, that’s all I’ve got for you today but before I go, if you’d like to receive notes on radical self-love, healing, & affirmations, you can find a link to subscribe to my newsletter in the show notes. I’d love to have you on the list! Until the next time.
