You don't have to forgive them to heal
You don’t have to forgive them to heal
You don’t have to forgive them to heal.
Forgiveness isn’t a prerequisite for healing from trauma
Forgiveness isn’t a prerequisite for healing from trauma.
And yet many survivors are pressured to forgive their abusers by folks in our lives. We’re told we need to forgive to heal from what happened; that we can’t heal if we don’t forgive our abusers. This can feel really activating, understandably so. As survivors, we haven’t been able to make our own choices or practice self-sovereignty, even over our own bodies.
Feeling empowered to make our own decisions is healing &/also an important part of the healing process. Likewise, being pressured and emotionally manipulated into something we don’t want to do is literally the opposite of a healing choice - because it isn’t a choice at all.
There’s a widely held belief that not forgiving someone is “holding a grudge” which Merriam-Webster defines as “a feeling of deep-seated resentment or ill will.” Some of the “related searches” of other questions people searched for included:
Is it okay to hold a grudge?
Is holding grudges a toxic trait?
Is it better to forgive or hold a grudge?
I hate that post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is often conflated and confused with a resentment.
I hate that not wanting anything to do with abusers is seen as a toxic trait.
I hate that we’re told things like…
We just need to forgive them & if we can’t forgive them, we need to try seeing things from their point of view & empathize with them because maybe their intention wasn’t to hurt us. Just let it go! Move on!
No. Just, no.
I’m not interested in empathizing with rapists.
I won’t forgive my rapist. WHat he did to me is unforgivable.
I won’t forgive my rapist. What he did to me is unforgivable.
I can’t quantify how he destroyed my life - and I won’t try to. People shouldn’t need to understand what we’ve been through to believe and support us, to act in solidarity with survivors of sexual violence, to honor our choices & respect our healing processes.
If I could let it go, I would. If I could just move on, I would. If I could forget about it, I would. But I literally can’t.
Complex trauma freezes you in time, trapping you inside a memory you don’t want to remember but can’t forget, can’t escape, can’t stop reliving, like a waking nightmare that never ends.
Whenever I post about how forgiveness isn’t prerequisite for healing over on Instagram, I receive dozens of messages from survivors thanking me for saying and affirming that you don’t have to forgive your abuser to heal. Some survivors have been shamed by friends, family, and mental health providers, who blamed their PTSD not on the fact they were sexually assaulted but that they didn’t forgive their abuser. That’s deeply not okay. It’s harmful to us & our healing journeys.
Shame, blame, & toxic positivity will never feel empowering, supportive, or healing.
To the friend or family member who want to help…
To the friend or family member who wants to help: Try listening with empathy, compassion, & care. Ask what you can do to support us or what would feel supportive in the moment that we’re struggling - and be prepared for the reality that we may not know or that there isn’t anything you can do. Know that our healing process is just that: ours. We get to figure out what’s healing for us on this journey.
Know that our healing process is just that: ours.
If you’re looking for more on supporting survivors, check out my zine I Believe You: A Resource on Supporting Survivors, by a Survivor, available in print & as a digital PDF.
Dear survivor,
Dear survivor,
Forgiveness may or may not be a part of your healing process and if it isn’t, there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with you.
Your feelings are understandable. You don’t have to forgive to heal.
I believe you.
