how i cope with chronic suicidality as a survivor
how i cope with chronic suicidality as a survivor
content note: discussion of suicidality.
this month is suicide prevention month which brings up a lot of complicated, messy, & painful feelings for me. folks with lived experience have so many incredible & valuable & much-needed things to add to the broader conversation around “suicide prevention." & this post won't be addressing that - at least today. it feels too overwhelming.
instead, i’ll share some of the things that have helped me stay alive as a survivor who has dealt with chronic suicidality for 20+ years.
if you are looking to read about what living with chronic suicidal ideation is like, i love this essay by anna borges, “i am not always very attached to being alive.”
peer support
building community with peers who also have lived experience helps me feel understood & less isolated; i learn from & alongside my comrades who may not always have similar experiences but do know what it's like to feel this way ✨ i love @peersupportspace's free + virtual groups!
creativity & play
i view creating & making art as composting: i use the shit i’ve experienced & transform it into zines and other containers for healing that are inspiring, colorful, empowering, cute, & hopeful.
creative work & play is something i've found supportive in my healing process; giving myself permission to be messy, imperfect, & make “bad” art (& that my art can be just for me!)
it's been cool to share my artwork & witness how it's supported fellow survivors; i created the things i needed & wanted to see in the world when surviving moment by moment felt impossible. i'm so grateful it resonates with my community.
you can find my art through @femmefilthpress 💫
my cats
my 3 sweet kitties are everything to me; when i’m not okay, i ask myself how i can make their day a little better! sometimes, i build them a playhouse from things i find around the house. or i create a game for us to play. or we go hang out on the catio together & enjoy the fresh air & sunshine together.
feeling my feelings
REALLY feeling my feelings is so important to me; like the full intense AF emotion that's carried with me in my body. letting it out & releasing it by crying, shredding paper, screaming, furiously writing stream-of-consciousness in a google doc or my journal, or scrawling on paper with a sharpie helps me to move the heavy & hard emotions through my system.
journaling + expressive writing
journaling lets me process & express my feelings as part of a reflective practice; a way to decompress & get it all out. i find expressive writing outside of my journaling practice super helpful too! this is why i started writing zines: they were an ideal medium for this. mimi zhu's first book, be not afraid to love: lessons on fear, intimacy, & connection, explores their own healing process through this lens. i loved their book, adore their instagram, & highly recommend their newsletter, write2heal.
connection & community
i'm writing about the power of connection & community last because it's the hardest to put into words &/also the most powerful, transformative, messy, beautiful, & healing. which is a lot!!!
i really really really struggle with feeling like i have friends or a community or people who care. i'm scared about my upcoming traumaversary in october. i'm scared to ask for help or reach out or let my friends + family know i'm really not okay. i'm scared because when i'm really not okay, i literally have no idea who i can call or text, regardless of the time of day. i'm not even talking 2am. i'm talking during lunch. during the afternoon. on a saturday night. & it hurts.
because i know what a lifesaver these connections can be. because i believe so deeply in the power of building communities of care. because i've seen what we can do together. because as revolutionary detroit-based community organizer, author, & philosopher grace lee boggs said, “the only way to survive is by taking care of one another.”
& yet, i feel more alone + isolated than ever. the physical & emotional trauma of breaking & dislocating my ankle + breaking my leg really messed up my ability to trust that people would be there when it really mattered. i feel disillusioned to the point where i don't believe organizing a community care plan for this october is worth it. i don't want to create any more opportunities to have my heart broken, you know?
